The Continuing Adventures of Borat

This story keeps getting better. As the government of Kazahkstan furiously denounces Sasha Baron Cohen for his Borat character, he relentlessly needles them without mercy. He mocked their country at the MTV Europe Awards, they shut down his Borat.kz website. He put out his new Borat movie, they went on a PR offensive touting their cultural worth and the fact that they don't keep women in cages or throw Jews down the well so their country can be free.

Now this. So hilarious. From this morning's Washington Post:

"The president of Kazakhstan came to town yesterday, and a massive press scrum fought for toeholds outside the country's embassy, where a grand new statue symbolizing Kazakh independence -- a warrior holding a falcon standing on the back of a fierce winged cat -- had just been unveiled.

But, no, of course that's not why we were there. That's not why any of the 50 or so journalists were there. We were there for Borat .

Or rather, Sacha Baron Cohen , the British comic who performs in the gonzo, deadpan, taking-the-joke-almost-too-far tradition of Andy Kaufman and Peter Sellers . He plays many made-up characters on his HBO series "Da Ali G Show," but few that have struck a nerve like that of Borat Sagdiyev -- an anti-Semitic, oversexed Kazakh journalist who spins tales about the national sport of killing dogs and the practice of keeping women in cages -- much to the continuing dismay of the Kazakh government. In a brilliant stunt to promote his movie "Borat" (opening next month), Baron Cohen held a guerrilla news conference outside the embassy at 16th and O streets NW -- without ever breaking character.

He began by waving an actual four-page advertisement that the former Soviet republic placed in yesterday's New York Times touting its sophisticated culture, religious tolerance and gender equality.

"These are disgusting fabrications!" he said in a thick, ambiguously foreign accent. They're perpetrated by "evil nitwits" from neighboring Uzbekistan "who, as we all know, are a very nosy people with a bone in the middle of their brain."

He called out Kazakh Embassy spokesman Roman Vassilenko as "an Uzbek impostor" ("pliz do not listen to him") and threatened to attack Uzbekistan "with our catapults." Anyone, he added, "who claims we do not drink fermented horse's urine, do not have death penalty for baking bagels," is lying.

Or something like that -- it was hard to hear over the chortles of the news camera guys.

He concluded: "I must now return to my embassy where I have talks with my government." But security guards had already emerged from the compound to close the wrought-iron gate. He turned around: "Which direction is the White House?"

And suddenly, 50 journalists were on a crazed three-quarter-mile sprint down 16th Street, trying to keep up with the lanky, fast-moving fake Kazakh, desperate not to miss anything that might happen in this big fake event. One camera guy tumbled to the sidewalk in the crush."

Borat at the gates

"We ran through Lafayette Square. Baron Cohen rang a buzzer at the White House gate.

"I like to give Premier Bush an invitation to see a screening of my film," he told the officer who approached.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"Eh, no so much." But he conveyed the rest of the invitation through the gate: Friday night screening, with cocktails and conversation about U.S.-Kazakh relations to follow at Hooters. "Thenk you." And then he climbed into the back of a black SUV and drove away.

No one answered our repeated calls to the Kazakh Embassy."

Lowe vs. Lowe exposed!

Oh snap son. This item combines two of my favorite things - pro sports and tabloid scandal.

I'll never forget the day the "Derek Lowe leaving his wife and family for a TV bim" story broke wide across LA. Although all the sports hosts had apparently known all about it, everyone kept mum until an LA Times article threw it out there. Then they converged on the story like sharks feeding on a helpless dolphin.

Now the whole story is making its way to E! The Boston Herald reports:

"Don’t say we told you so. Because it’s totally hush-hush and all. But the scandal-mongers at “E! True Hollywood Story” have latched onto a real tawdry tale for an upcoming episode - ex-Red Sox hero Derek Lowe’s nasty split from wife Trinka!

Word is, the Tinseltown purveyors of salacious secrets are doing a piece on athletes and the women who love them.

“That can include wives, groupies, fans, girlfriends - there’s even a segment about a gay football player,” said producer Brooke Landau. “Derek Lowe is one of the people we’re highlighting in the piece.”

The THS episode doesn’t have a name yet, Landau said, but we’re sure its going to be a good one. Other players - and play-ahs - featured in the piece include ex-stripper Anna Benson, who once threatened to have sex with the entire New York Mets organization if her husband, pitcher Kris Benson, cheated on her!

As all good Track readers know, Lowe ditched his wifeof seven years last summer to take up with former TV sports reporter Carolyn Hughes. And an ugly breakup it was.

Lowe walked out on his wife and three kids and the L.A. Dodgers’ hurler was subsequently snapped snogging with Hughes on a beach in California. Although he first insisted that they were “just friends,” Lowe and Hughes now live together in California while his family remains in Fort Myers.

The divorce case comes to trial in December and it’s bound to get nasty if the ex-couple’s depositions are any indication.

In happier times...

The highlights include:

* Trinka’s discovery of Hughes’ digits in her husband’s cell phone under the name “Jeff.”

* Lowe’s acknowlegement that he took up with Hughes during his marriage and his claim that he had only one other extramarital involvement - with an airline stewardess.

* Trinka’s contention that Lowe wasn’t re-signed by the Red Sox after the World Series-winning season because the team was concerned that he had a drinking problem.

* Lowe’s admission that he went to bars and got drunk while married to Trinka, but he repeatedly denied he was an alcoholic. (Lowe did admit taking the prescription amphetamine Adderall to control attention deficit disorder.)

As you can see, the True Hollywood Story people have lots to work with. The show is tentatively scheduled to air Nov. 5. Do set the TiVo!"

Man, what a circus that was. It definitely broke the record for "Biggest To-Do About A DLowe-Related Flap", narrowly surpassing the hubbub after DLowe threw two of the nastiest pitches I have ever seen in my life to beat the A's in the 2003 playoffs, then performed a fist-pumping, pelvis-thrusting gesture that made Miguel Tejada cry and demand satisfaction for the stain on his family's honor.

Mark Cuban: Only a moron would buy YouTube

As new-media sites like Myspace.com and Facebook.com sell out to the Man for millions of dollars, many rumors have swirled around the hugely popular YouTube. Would a network or media conglomerate drop the big pesos to capture all those millions of clicks? Well, sports owner and blowhard about town Mark Cuban says it isn't gonna happen.

"NEW YORK (Reuters) - Billionaire investor and dot-com veteran Mark Cuban had harsh words on Thursday for YouTube, the online site that lets people share video clips, saying only a "moron" would purchase the wildly popular start-up.

Cuban, co-founder of HDNet and owner of the NBA's Dallas Mavericks, also said YouTube would eventually be "sued into oblivion" because of copyright violations.

"They are just breaking the law," Cuban told a group of advertisers in New York. "The only reason it hasn't been sued yet is because there is nobody with big money to sue."

YouTube, based in San Mateo, California, specializes in serving up short videos created by everyday people. Its popularity, with more than 100 million video showings daily, has spurred speculation the firm will be sold or taken public.

But YouTube has also come under scrutiny because users often post copyrighted material, including music videos produced by well-established artists.

YouTube company representatives were not immediately available to respond to Cuban's comments.

Cuban said "anyone who buys that (YouTube) is a moron" because of potential lawsuits from copyright violations.

"GOING TO BE TOASTED"

"There is a reason they haven't yet gone public, they haven't sold. It's because they are going to be toasted," said Cuban, who has sold start-ups to Yahoo Inc. and CompuServe.

YouTube, which has nearly one-third of the U.S. Web video audience, three times that of Google Inc., or twice that of News Corp's MySpace, has been working on signing licensing deals with music companies and TV networks to ensure they are paid when users view their content.

This month YouTube unveiled its first deal to distribute music videos legally from a major music company by agreeing a deal with Warner Music Group, home to pop stars James Blunt and Madonna.

In other remarks, meanwhile, the often-controversial Cuban also told advertisers that the reach of YouTube is limited, particularly when it comes to user-generated videos.

"User-generated content is not going away," he said. "But do you want your advertising dollars spent on a video of Aunt Jenny watching her niece tap dance?"

"Somebody puts up something really good and you get, what, 60,000 viewers?" Cuban added during the event at Advertising Week in New York.

YouTube now offers advertising through banner ads, promotions and sponsorships. It has said it plans to roll out a range of different advertising options over the coming year.

Cuban cautioned advertisers against investing heavily in so-called viral campaigns that are spread by users beyond their initial point of distribution on YouTube or other video sharing sites. But he touted opportunities to run commercials on high-definition television such as his HDNet network.

Ah ha, the agenda emerges!!

"What makes viral so special is it's so hard to do. It's so hard to plan. It's hard to stand out," he said, describing 99 percent of money advertisers spend on viral campaigns as "wasted."

"You guys love to be the trailing edge," he said."

Does anybody remember Cuban's reality show "The Benefactor"? It was beyond bizarre. Not only was there a weird New Hampshire chick who tried to perpetuate a huge scam about her past for sympathy, there was a guy named Dominic who had an IQ about 40 that Cuban absolutely loved and kept bringing back after he was eliminated. Probably one of the strangest television shows I have ever seen.

Wolcott vs. Wolf

James Wolcott unloads on Law & Order in his newest post, and lands some vicious uppercuts on the latest modifications to Criminal Intent. In my medical opinion, the best thing about this show is that it ISN'T like Jerry Bruckheimer's awful CSI, so this analysis is mildly disconcerting...

"The new openings for Law & Order: Criminal Intent are dismaying. L& O took a triple whammy in the offseason--losing Jamey Sheridan, Courtney Vance, and Annabella Sciorra--so it's understandable that the series would be tempted to overcompensate to prove it's still in the game. Apparently afraid of having lost a Zeitgeist step or on all the forensic shows tunneling Fantastic Voyage-like into cadavers, L & O: CI has C.S.I.-ized its murder enactments, utilizing fancy zoom-ins, spazzy jumpcuts, and a battery of audiovisual noir effects capped with a gruesome fillip (such as last night's needlessly showy impaling of a motorcyclist on a spiked fence). What's wrong with this Bruckheimerization?

For one thing, its hopped-up hyperbole is out of key with the rest of the show, which goes for an urban realism rooted in location shooting, laconic authenticity in bit roles, and at least a semblance of plausibility. The black comedy of the L & O intros comes from the intrusion of mayhem into everyday New York routine. It's as if no one can run a simple errand without wandering into a crime scene. One second a Typical New Yorker is walking a dog along Riverside Drive or picking a kid up from pre-school, only to find an arm dangling from the dumpster, or the body of a tranny hooker draped over the hood of a gypsy cab. The reason the L & O franchise wears so well in reruns is because it doesn't try to upstage the city in which it's set. The new openings, with their extra order of relish, are noisy concoctions that seem to have leapt straight from the storyboard. In their desire to be hip (or at least hipper than L & O's regular fare), they end up looking derivative and dated, because this is now how every forensic show slices and dices its victims on the chopping block as TV edges into Hostel/Saw vio-porn. The moral dimension to L & O: CI is being subverted by shock-value technique that's lost its shock and value.

Last week's L & O premiere was a seesaw affair, the gesticulating hamming of John Glover as a genius profiler neatly offset by the shrewd, wary underplaying of Martha Plimpton as his daughter. The scene in which D'Onofrio's Goren got her to confess by chatting with her outside the interrogation room as if torture-murder were just an interesting hobby she happened to take up was a nifty piece of writing, acting, staging.

Last night's ep, which introduced Noth's new partner (played by Julianne Nicholson, who was lavished with closeups as if she were a cute snowcone with sprinkles), was a complete miss, and a total mess. The actors playing of the teacher/student lovers went haywire overdoing their distraught passion, and the subtle, subverbal messaging that marked Noth-Annabella Sciorra's partnership was replaced here by a lot of explicit exposition every time Noth and Nicholson got in/got out of a car together. L & O tends to go light on the history of its characters, spooning it out in dribs and drabs as the partnership evolves; here it was dumped into the dialogue in awkward lumps as if trying to get everyone, including the cast, up to speed. And so far the writers haven't coined any wicked lines equal to the sarcastic, incipient sneer on Eric Bogosian's face. He always looks as if he's about to launch a devastating comeback, only to deliver a mundanity like "Keep me in the loop."

Bum bum! doo doo doo doo doooo doooo

I tried watching L & O: SVU afterwards, which is now the franchise's ratings winner, but was defeated by the reliably bad acting of the male ensemble: Richard Belzer just seems to be hanging around like an undertaker awaiting corpse delivery; Ice T still says every line as if he bore it a minor grudge; Christopher Meloni is down to one sulky bearing the etch of bitter experience. I know a lot of people like this series, but what's to like?"

One more L & O tidbit, from the Free Press:

"CAST: On NBC's "Law & Order," Chevy Chase. He'll guest-star as a celebrity who spews religious epithets after being pulled over by police for drunken driving. The episode, titled "In Vino Veritas," is scheduled to air Nov. 3."

I can't believe I got sucked into this

From a bizarre bombshell, the paternity mystery about Anna Nicole's baby has morphed into a full fledged controversy. Although I feel stupider even beginning to discuss this, I would be remiss to neglect the latest developments in a story that broke across this page yesterday. It seems there is a paparazzo with a claim on the newborn spawn of the annoying naked lady.

For some odd reason, the best coverage I've seen of this situation is from the Detroit Free Press, a paper better known for publishing Mitch Albom's sappy sludge of a sports column than for the latest tabloid shocker. Go figure.

"Was it really on Larry King or did the wires get crossed and it was really one of those tawdry Maury Povich who's-your-daddy paternity segments?

Alas, it was on King's CNN nightly interview fest that attorney Howard K. Stern (no relation to the shock talk radio host) proclaimed to King and the world that he is the father of ex-Playboy model, almost-heiress and weight-reduction huckster Anna Nicole Smith's new baby daughter, born just before her son Daniel died under still unclear circumstances in the Bahamas.

Stern first revealed the name of the child is Danilynne Hope.

Then King posed an e-mail query from "Karyn in Sheboygan, Wis. 'Why has Anna Nicole been so secretive about who the father of her new daughter is?' "

Stern then proclaimed: "Anna and I have been in a relationship, and we love each other, and it's been going on for a very long time. And because of my relationship as her lawyer, we felt that it was best to keep everything hidden. And we've actually done a pretty good job of that."

Then came the following exchange:

King: "So you are the father?"

Stern: "Yes, sir."

King: "By the way, have there been any DNA tests taken, is that...? "

Stern: "Proud father."

King: "What?"

Stern: "I said proud father."

King: "Were DNA tests taken?"

Stern: "Well, based on -- based on the timing of when the baby was born, there really is no doubt in either of our minds."

Enter celebrity photographer Larry Birkhead. On Wednesday, he told TMZ.com he rejects Stern's assertion and claims fatherhood for himself.

Birkhead was either so disgusted or so unconcerned by Stern's appearance on King's show that, according to TMZ, he left to spend the evening at Janet Jackson's record release party in New York...Birkhead says, "I have asked for a DNA test and I welcome it. I know I am the father of the child. I look forward to having a relationship with my new daughter."

What the hell is going on here?!?!

That 'hawk is the tits!

Attention world, I have discovered the greatest mohawk in the universe. It hails from Leominster, Massachusetts. This town was previously renowned for being the birthplace of the colorful expression, "It's the tits", but now it has an even greater claim to fame as the home of world hairdo champion Aaron Studham!

Here's an excerpt from a Reuters article about the seventeen year old wunderkind:

"Studham, 17, joined the ranks of the weird, wacky and wonderful with the tallest hair on the planet.

"It's a real icebreaker with the girls," Studham said of his magnificent Mohican hairstyle proudly peaking at 24 inches.

"It started as a dare from my friends," the Massachusetts teenager told Reuters after sharing grooming tips with his fellow record holder at a photocall in a London beauty parlour.

"It took me five to six years to grow. I don't wear it up all the time but when I do, it takes about 45 minutes to an hour to put it up. I use hairspray and then blow-dry it.""

Ready for a glimpse of the heralded hairdo? The Dr. didn't just pull some stupid wire photo - I tracked down this dude's Myspace page and found the most rockin' image ever snapped. That's dedication for you, suckas. Check this out!

Those torturous "signing statements"

As some of you may know, our current POTUS has a knack for utilizing "signing statements" when he's compelled to sign bills into law that he's not necessarily down with. As they tell it on Wikipedia, "George W. Bush's use of signing statements is controversial, both for the number of times employed (estimated at over 750 constitutional challenges) and for the apparent attempt to nullify legal restrictions on his actions through claims made in the statements. Some opponents have said that he in effect uses signing statements as a line-item veto although the Supreme Court already held the line item veto as an unconstitutional delegation of power in Clinton v. City of New York."

In effect, GWB signs the bill but says quietly to himself, "No way am I gonna abide by THIS shiznit."

This article by the Boston Globe's Charlie Savage explains some of the ramifications of these signing statements -- C. Savage has been the leading reporter on this very important and very underrated ongoing story.

Although the very nature of our democracy is imperiled by this dictatorial strategy, things never get too serious around here to have some fun with the whole shebang. Over to the estimable Tom Burka's "Opinions You Should Have", with the latest on the signing statement blues:

"Bush in Delicate Negotiations with Senators over Drafting of New Law He Will Completely Ignore

President Bush and the White House are involved in intense negotiations over the final shape of a bill that Bush will not follow once it becomes law.

"It is very important to the President that he and the Senate agree on the precise contents of the law he will not be obeying," said White House spokesman Tony Snow, explaining the President's particular interest in the negotations.

"There must be a real spirit of give and take, of true compromise, in fashioning what will soon be completely irrelevant to the White House," agreed Senators John McCain, Lindsay Graham, and John Warner, the principal lawmakers demanding completely cosmetic and ultimately meaningless concessions from the faux-conciliatory Executive Branch.

President Bush and the White House had been adamant that the Senate pass a law that allows for an "expanded view" of what kind of interrogations are permissible under the Geneva Conventions, but, in the face of opposition from McCain and others, are now signalling that they may give up some of their specific demands just to get the law through Congress.

After that, the President will issue a "signing statement" reiterating his belief that laws are not binding upon him.

Some Senators insisted that the negotiations were important to maintain America's moral authority and credibility on human rights internationally. "At all costs, we must at least maintain the appearance that we have a real working system of checks and balances," said a senator who wished to remain anonymous because his statements are usually entirely absurd.

Cletis Fishkill, an inmate doing twenty to life in a prison in Fishkill, New York, expressed his admiration for President Bush.

"Damn," he said. "I gotta get me some of them signing statements.""

Howard K. Stern is Anna Nicole's baby daddy?!?!

Just when the bizarre mystery of Anna Nicole's dead son couldn't get any weirder, guess what, it did. It turns out the mysterious father of her newborn daughter is none other than her lawyer, Howard K. Stern! This shocking AP report declares:

"NASSAU, Bahamas - A lawyer for Anna Nicole Smith said Tuesday that he was the father of the reality TV star's newborn girl, who has been the couple's one "ray of hope" as they have grieved the death of her 20-year-old son in the Bahamas.

Howard K. Stern, who was with the family in the hospital the night that Daniel Smith died, told CNN's "Larry King Live" they had named their daughter Dannie Lynn Hope.

"Right now we have to somehow get through what we're going through," he said. "And I'll tell you, our baby is the one ray of hope."

Daniel Smith, 20, died Sept. 10 while visiting his mother as she recuperated from giving birth three days earlier. Authorities have said there was no sign of suicide or foul play, and they were awaiting toxicology results to determine the cause of death.

"We're still waiting to find out what the cause is," Stern said. "We also now have an indication that there may have been other prescriptive medication in his system."

Stern, who picked Daniel up at the airport and brought him to the Nassau hospital the previous night, said he appeared happy to see his mother and half-sister. He said the young man appeared fine until the next morning.

"And then at one point Daniel said to me, 'How come I'm so tired?' And in hindsight I wish that I had seen that as some sort of a signal and seen that something wasn't right," he said.

Soon afterward, Anna Nicole Smith noticed Daniel wasn't breathing, Stern said. Medical personnel could not revive him, and he and Anna Nicole continued resuscitation efforts even after they were asked to stop.

"She stayed there and we were at the foot of the bed and she was hugging Daniel's legs," he said. "And she was praying to Jesus and she was telling Jesus to take her and not take Daniel."

Stern said he and Anna Nicole Smith had been living together in the Bahamas, and planned to stay in the island chain long term and marry "at some point."

She wanted to get away from the media and to start a new life and give her daughter a chance to live a normal life, said Stern, who described himself as a "proud father."

He said there has not been a funeral and declined to describe any burial plans.

Cyril Wecht, a pathologist hired by the family to conduct a repeat autopsy, has said Daniel was taking a low dose of the antidepressant Lexapro. Stern said Smith had recently been hospitalized with back pain and depression, and may have had "other prescriptive medication in his system."

Daniel Smith, who appeared several times on the E! reality series "The Anna Nicole Show," was the son of Anna Nicole and Bill Smith, who married in 1985 and divorced two years later.

Anna Nicole Smith married Texas oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II in 1994, when she was 26 and he was 89. He died the following year and she has since been involved in legal disputes over the estate."

As an eminent Medical Doctor, many people have asked my opinion on the mysterious demise of Daniel Smith. The truth of the matter is quite clear. Obviously there is a Law of Conservation of Smith Offspring in effect here, no doubt applied through Intelligent Design for the good of mankind. As one Smith emerges in a haze of Trimspa-laden amniotic fluid, any other Smith offspring must shuffle off this mortal coil. Thankfully.

Military coup a go-go

For a few days, I've considered publishing a serious post about the governmental unrest in two countries - the "White Revolution" in Hungary, where the Socialist prime minister was caught on tape openly admitting that he and his party repeatedly lied about the economy, and the really dire situation in Thailand, where the military decided to seize the day while the president was at the UN in NYC, and took over the country in a military coup. Then I read this story and decided that my readers would much prefer it to anything weighty that I might have to offer...

"BANGKOK (Reuters) - Thai coup leaders have banned go-go girls from dancing near tanks and troops on Bangkok streets as a distraction from the serious business of power, a spokesman said on Wednesday.

"It is not appropriate to entertain soldiers while they are on duty," Colonel Acra Tiprote told Reuters after a troupe of 10 women in tight camouflage vests and shorts posed with soldiers and tanks while making a music video.

"People should differentiate between entertainment and seriousness. A coup is not entertaining," Acra said, although the tanks sent in to lead Thailand's first coup in 15 years had turned Bangkok into a carnival-type attraction.

Thais and foreign tourists flocked to the Army Headquarters to take picture with tanks and soldiers. Many gave soldiers flowers or food and drink."

It turns out, even when the country is controlled by a military junta, you can't keep the Thai hoes down.

Schemes of the Hoff!

For some reason even stupid stories like this one are instantly funnier when they involve the Hoff. Let's go to TMV's hardy Harvey Levin, who has the scoop on this tale of catty post-marital warfare.

"David Hasselhoff lied to cops when he allegedly called 911 to report that his younger daughter attempted to commit suicide, according to his estranged wife, Pamela Bach. And Bach tells TMZ Hasselhoff made the call out of pure revenge.

TMZ first reported that police and paramedics responded to Hasselhoff''s 911 call Sunday night. Multiple police sources told TMZ the former "Baywatch" star reported that his younger daughter was "cut" and it was a suicide attempt. Now Pamela Bach tells TMZ that her daughter never attempted suicide and that David knew it. Bach claims David used his daughter as a pawn, telling Bach, "You're going down. I'm calling the police.""

Hoff will bring you down!!!

"Bach says her daughter was scratched by the family cat Sunday night at around 6 p.m. She says her daughter was crying uncontrollably, so she called David and suggested that it might be appropriate for the girl to see a psychologist on Monday. At that point Bach claims David began ranting that he would call the police and bring her down.

Bach says at around 8 p.m. the police and paramedics arrived and said that David had called in a suicide attempt, so by law they had to take the girl to the hospital. She was released shortly after arriving there.

Hasselhoff's publicist Judy Katz tells TMZ that Hasselhoff became alarmed when his older daughter called to say her sister was bleeding. Hasselhoff denies telling 911 about a suicide attempt, but his publicist says the 911 operator may have interpreted it that way. Hasselhoff, who was getting ready to board a plane for a film festival, left town without visiting his daughter.

Bach says Hasselhoff deliberately concocted the story to make her look like a bad parent. Hasselhoff denies he even spoke with Bach Sunday night, and says the allegations are false."

It's Science.

From Reuters:

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A Montana mother who allowed her 18-month-old baby daughter to inhale from a marijuana water pipe on several occasions was properly convicted, but should not have to spend five years in jail, a U.S. appeals court ruled on Friday.

Jessica Durham was photographed allowing her toddler Michala to suck from a marijuana water pipe, also known as a bong, in 2004 by a friend upset about the activity.

"Ms. Durham allegedly remarked that smoking improved Michala's appetite and left Michala lethargic and mellow - a manner she found consistent with her own experience smoking marijuana," Judge Louis Pollak of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals wrote in summarising the case.

In 2005, a lower court sentenced Durham to five years in prison for unlawful marijuana distribution. She appealed both the conviction and the sentence.

In its ruling on Friday, a three-judge panel of the 9th Circuit upheld the conviction but said the sentence exceeded the applicable federal law which calls for punishment of no more than two years in prison."

I know this story SOUNDS horrible, but isn't it possible, just possible, that Ms. Durham did what many other researchers were simply too scared to attempt? Finally, the answer to that eternal question: "What happens if a baby gets stoned?" has been added to the aggregate database of human knowledge. Huzzah!

Oh snap!

Track and field line judge Lia Mara Lourenco is helped after a javelin hit her in her foot during 'Brazil Trophy,' a national track and field competition, in Sao Paulo, Brazil, Sunday, Sept. 24, 2006.

Cambodian Prostitute Blues

From this week's "Dear Prudence" at Slate:

"Dear Prudie,
My longtime boyfriend came back from a business trip in Asia, and afterward was inexplicably out of sorts. Finally, he confessed that he had cheated on me with a prostitute one night when he'd gone to a nightclub with two male co-workers. Prudie, I know my boyfriend, and I would never have imagined he would be the type of guy who would do such a thing. We have a very close, loving, and honest relationship, and I know he has never done anything like this before. What makes things more confusing is that while he was away, my mom spilled the beans that right before he left, he visited her to ask permission to propose to me. He had even purchased a ring. My mom said they were both so happy they cried. I wasn't surprised to hear about my boyfriend's impending proposal, because we had been talking about marriage for a while now that we have finished our graduate schooling and gotten jobs. How could he do such a thing to me, especially when we were on the verge of starting a bright new life together? My boyfriend is extremely remorseful, telling me that he is shocked as well at his own behavior and has never felt so low in his life. While a younger version of myself could have said, "See ya," without flinching, I realize now that it's not so easy. I still love him with all my heart and believe he is a good man. Should I stay and work things out, or leave these damaged goods behind?
—Torn

Dear Torn,
Did he use a condom? Even if he did, he should get screened for sexually transmitted diseases. Assuming he didn't bring any new microbes into your relationship, he did introduce doubt. However, his brief encounter with a poor, nameless woman should not be a threat to your future. He slipped, and felt sick enough about it to confess to you what he certainly could have gotten away with. His shame is so thoroughgoing that it sounds like he will be the most faithful and devoted of husbands. To atone, he should make a contribution to an organization that fights international sexual exploitation—International Justice Mission is one. Then you and he should get on with that bright, new life together.
—Prudie"

Well that was sweet, but I'm more concerned about another issue: is "Prudie" actually Tina Cervasio's mom???

George Allen is just misunderstood

Huge surprise, more people are coming out of the woodwork to call George Allen a racist!

From Salon:

"Three former college football teammates of Sen. George Allen say that the Virginia Republican repeatedly used an inflammatory racial epithet and demonstrated racist attitudes toward blacks during the early 1970s.

"Allen said he came to Virginia because he wanted to play football in a place where 'blacks knew their place,'" said Dr. Ken Shelton, a white radiologist in North Carolina who played tight end for the University of Virginia football team when Allen was quarterback. "He used the N-word on a regular basis back then."

A second white teammate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he feared retribution from the Allen campaign, separately claimed that Allen used the word "nigger" to describe blacks. "It was so common with George when he was among his white friends. This is the terminology he used," the teammate said.

A third white teammate contacted separately, who also spoke on condition of anonymity out of fear of being attacked by the Virginia senator, said he too remembers Allen using the word "nigger," though he said he could not recall a specific conversation in which Allen used the term. "My impression of him was that he was a racist," the third teammate said.

Shelton also told Salon that the future senator gave him the nickname "Wizard," because he shared a last name with Robert Shelton, who served in the 1960s as the imperial wizard of the United Klans of America, a group affiliated with the Ku Klux Klan. The radiologist said he decided earlier this year that he would go public with his concerns about Allen if a reporter ever called. About four months ago, when he heard that Allen was a possible candidate for president in 2008, Shelton began to write down some of the negative memories of his former teammate. He provided Salon excerpts of those notes last week.

On Sunday morning, Salon spoke with David Snepp, a spokesman for Allen's Senate office, to ask for a response to the recollections of the three former teammates. E-mail and phone messages were also left for Bill Bozin, a spokesman for the Allen campaign, and Dick Wadhams, the campaign manager. Though Snepp indicated that the campaign, and probably Wadhams, would respond, eight hours later no one in the Allen camp had replied to Salon. Chris LaCivita, a consultant to the Allen campaign, hung up when a Salon reporter reached him mid-afternoon Sunday. Additional attempts to contact the campaign were unsuccessful.

The racial attitudes of Allen, a once formidable presidential contender in 2008, have become an issue in his highly contested reelection campaign against Jim Webb, a former Marine and author. Last month, Allen was videotaped calling an Indian-American college student "macaca," an obscure word for monkey that is also used as a racial epithet in some parts of the world. Allen has since apologized to the student, saying that he made up the word, and did not know its other meanings.

Last week, Allen again created controversy by appearing offended when a reporter asked about the Jewish lineage in his mother's family, which he has since acknowledged. Allen has also faced questions about his affinity for the Confederate flag, which he wore as a pin in a high school yearbook photo and exhibited in his home in Virginia.

In public statements, Allen has said that he realized later in life that the Confederate flag was a symbol of violence for black Americans, and he has expressed some regret. "There are a lot of things that I wish I had learned earlier in life," Allen said in an appearance this month on NBC's "Meet the Press." But Allen has maintained that he never harbored any discriminatory attitudes toward blacks. "Even if your heart is pure, the things you say and do and the symbols you use matter because of how others may take them," he said in the prepared transcript for remarks to a luncheon with black educators on Sept. 13.

Over the past week, Salon has interviewed 19 former teammates and college friends of Allen from the University of Virginia. In addition to the three who said Allen used the word "nigger," two others who were contacted said they remember being bothered by Allen's displaying the Confederate flag in college, but said they do not remember him acting in an overtly racist manner. Seven others said they did not know Allen well outside the football team, but do not remember Allen demonstrating any racist feelings. A separate seven teammates and friends said they knew Allen well and did not believe he held racist views. "I don't believe he was insensitive," said Paul Ryczek, who played center in Allen's year before joining the Atlanta Falcons. "He had no prejudices, biases or anything else."...

...The three former teammates, however, painted a very different picture of Allen when he was around his white friends. Shelton said he feels a personal responsibility to tell what he knows about Allen's past, especially now that Allen has been mentioned as a possible presidential candidate. "I got to know Allen a little too well," Shelton said, adding that he does not believe Allen should hold elective office. "He had prejudices that were deep-seated."

Shelton said no political animosity has driven his decision to speak out. He has switched between Democratic and independent registration in recent elections, he said, and does not consider himself politically active. Four years ago, Shelton and his wife donated $1,000 to Sam Neill, the Democratic challenger to Rep. Charles Taylor, R-N.C., because Shelton said they knew Neill and were upset by the allegations of corruption against Taylor, who was reelected. In February, Shelton supported Rick Davis, a current Republican candidate for sheriff, and penned a letter to the editor in the Hendersonville Times-News backing Davis' campaign. Shelton says he does not know much about Allen's political ideology and says he hasn't spoken to him in about 30 years. "There are no personal grudges," Shelton said. "There was no falling out."

Shelton played football with Allen in the 1972 and 1973 seasons, according to the team media guides from those years. Shelton remembers Allen's attitudes about race surfacing early in their relationship. At one point, Shelton says, Allen nicknamed him "Wizard," after United Klans imperial wizard Robert Shelton. "He asked me if I was related at all," Shelton remembers. "I knew of that name, and I said absolutely not." Several former teammates confirmed that Shelton's team nickname was "Wizard," though no one contacted by Salon could confirm firsthand knowledge of the handle's origin. "Everyone called me 'Wizard' that knows me from those days," said Shelton. "My nickname stuck."

Shelton said he also remembers a disturbing deer hunting trip with Allen on land that was owned by the family of Billy Lanahan, a wide receiver on the team. After they had killed a deer, Shelton said he remembers Allen asking Lanahan where the local black residents lived. Shelton said Allen then drove the three of them to that neighborhood with the severed head of the deer. "He proceeded to take the doe's head and stuff it into a mailbox," Shelton said."

2-D Daddy-O

This is a story so strange I hardly believed it when I first heard about it. But now that the MSM has picked it up with full force, it's impossible to ignore:

"Maine National Guard members in Iraq and Afghanistan are never far from the thoughts of their loved ones.

But now, thanks to a popular family-support program, they're even closer.

Welcome to the ``Flat Daddy" and ``Flat Mommy" phenomenon, in which life-size cutouts of deployed service members are given by the Maine National Guard to spouses, children, and relatives back home.

The Flat Daddies ride in cars, sit at the dinner table, visit the dentist, and even are brought to confession, according to their significant others on the home front.

``I prop him up in a chair, or sometimes put him on the couch and cover him up with a blanket," said Kay Judkins of Caribou, whose husband, Jim, is a minesweeper mechanic in Afghanistan. ``The cat will curl up on the blanket, and it looks kind of weird. I've tricked several people by that. They think he's home again."

At the request of relatives, about 200 Flat Daddy and Flat Mommy photos have been enlarged and printed at the state National Guard headquarters in Augusta. The families cut out the photos, which show the Guard members from the waist up, and glue them to a $2 piece of foam board.

Sergeant First Class Barbara Claudel, the state family-support director who began the program, said the response from Guard families has been giddily enthusiastic.

``If there's something we can do to make it a little easier on the families, then that's our job and our responsibility. It brings them a little bit closer and might help them somewhere down the line," Claudel said yesterday.

``You know, this is my motto: `Deployment isn't a big thing, it's a million little things.' These families go through a lot."

While most families stay in touch with their guardsmen by e-mail, snapshots, and videophone, the cutouts are unusual.

``It's a novel approach," said John Goheen, spokesman for the National Guard Association of the United States, a Washington-based lobbying group. ``It's to remind the kids that this guy and this woman is still part of your life, that this is what they look like, and this is how big they are."

Claudel said she heard about the Flat Daddy idea while attending a national conference for the Guard. In Maine, the initiative began about eight months ago when Flat Daddies were offered as part of the deployment of B Company, Third Battalion, 172d Mountain Infantry, which is based in Brewer.

Now, when units are mobilized, the Guard organizes Flat Daddy parties, in which families can meet one another while receiving instructions on assembling the photos.

Judkins said the cutout has been a comfort since her husband was deployed in January.

``He goes everywhere with me. Every day he comes to work with me," said Judkins, who works in a dentist's office. ``I just bought a new table from the Amish community, and he sits at the head of the table. Yes, he does."

In the car, her husband's image sits behind the driver's seat so Judkins can keep an eye on him. A third-grade class writes to him as their ``adopted" guardsman. And Judkins even brought her husband's cutout -- which she calls Slim Jim, because he's not -- to confession at the local church.

When asked what her husband had to confess, Judkins laughed. ``That's private," she said.

Jim Judkins had at least one precarious moment as a cutout. When cousins tried to stuff him into a suitcase to take on a cruise, they broke his neck. But instead of expensive surgery, all the cutout needed was a little duct tape, Judkins said.

Cindy Branscom of Hallowell, whose husband, Colonel John Branscom, is in Afghanistan, said spouses of service members in the 240th Engineer Group often bring their Flat Daddies to monthly support meetings and group barbecues. She said one spouse, Mary Holbrook of Hermon, has been seen in the company of her cutout husband, Lieutenant Colonel Randall Holbrook.

``Mary has taken Randy to different events," Branscom said.

But then again, that's almost expected.

``I think it's wonderful," Branscom said. ``My Flat Daddy sits in my dining room all the time. He even went to Easter dinner with us at my family's house."

Crimes and Misdemeanors of Suburban Mass.

Attention lawbreakers, theives and ruffians of all kinds! This is your Sheriff speaking, Sheriff Gonna Getcha! I happen to know that all manner of malcontents and nogoodniks check out this blog every day, and let this serve as a warning to you punks, I've got my eye on you and the gaze of justice never blinks!

Because I'm such a badass, the authorities have chosen me to police the hellish avenues of America's big cities; so for pleasure reading, I like to treat myself to the jollities of suburban "crime-fighting". That's why I love the Boston Herald's Police Blog, which reviews the suburban police logs for the most amusing entries and collects them for everyone's enjoyment.

Let's begin with this criminal mastermind...

"A LITTLE PO’D

This way-cool character in Cambridge urinated beside his car in plain view of the cops and smiled at them in “an arrogant manner,” as reported in the Cambridge Chronicle.

Asked if the vehicle was his, he offered an affirmative — or at least I think so, based on his cool-cat response: “That’s my ride, that’s my car, that’s what I roll in, that’s what I paid for.”

But because the cops allegedly found brass knuckles in that car he rolls in — and, well, because of the whole urinating thing — he had to roll “in a police wagon to be booked at the station.”

Indoor plumbing: Look into it."

Smiled in an arrogant manner while pissing in public?!? In my book, that rates a good left cross with a nightstick - at least!!

No crime is more virulent these days than Identity Theft, but what makes this next item really irritating to me is the fact that the perp brought doughnuts into his wicked web of deceit. For shame, citizen!!

"CHOCOLATE-FROSTED FRAUD

As the Watertown TAB & Press so eloquently put it, it was “time to fake the doughnuts.”

A Waverly Avenue resident became the victim of identity theft when someone reportedly used her personal information, including Social Security and home address, to apply for a job at a Dunkin’ Donuts in Lexington.

Was it this dude’s dream to work at a Dunkin’ Donuts? You see, most criminals who get hold of someone’s personal information use it for fraudulent financial gain — which I suppose you can still achieve going the doughnut route, assuming you are punctual, work hard and have the good fortune of serving Sausage Supreme Omelets to some heavy tippers."

Some of these entries really make you shake your head.

"THEM’S BITIN’ WORDS

When I was but a little lad, I’d occasionally scribble out a little graffiti, but usually in an obscure place with something harmless enough like, “The Grad Man wuz here.” I’m not sure what to make of this one, reported in the Burlington Union:

At 3:14 p.m., the police received a call about graffiti at one side of Panera Bread on Cambridge Street, which read, “Panera eats people.”

This hoodlum must be a tad confused, because I’ve patronized more than one Panera location, and for the record, I have always walked out with my anatomy intact — and my tummy full."

Although I love this blog, he Herald writer who assembles it exhibits a more-than-suspicious tolerance for the lowest breed of mankind, Hippies. Listen to this blather:

"GROOVY PATROL

Shame on anyone who calls the cops to try and stop this kind of activity, reported in the Melrose Free Press:

Caller reports an intoxicated girl at Lynde Street and Walnut Street. Responding officers spoke to the youths, who stated they were just “acting groovy.”

To paraphrase Will Ferrell’s Ron Burgundy character from “Anchorman”: Stay groovy, Melrose."

Who is this "Will Ferrell", some kind of latter-day Timothy Leary prophet of the dope?!? I'll try to overlook this one.

Let's finish up with the truly bizarre:

"REASONS NOT TO CALL THE COPS

Helpful as they are, the police aren’t the answer to every problem. Should you be faced with one of the following dilemmas, you might just be the butt of a few jokes if you reach for the phone to punch in 911.

* From The Wayland Town Crier: “A Woodridge Road caller reported seeing a large cat.”

Congratulations. Unfortunately, our Cat Shrinking Officer is out of town for a training session.

* From The Beacon: “At 1:28 p.m. a Hosmer Street resident found ice cream in his mailbox.”

Dude, this is not a troublesome occasion. Eat up!

* From the Times and Courier: “A woman called to complain about her son never doing anything around the house, always being on the computer.”

Sorry to break it to you, but unless he’s into child porn or something, then using a computer ain’t against the law."

You're so naive, police blog man!! He could be doing that crazy Hacking or running an Al Qaeda web site!! I don't trust anyone who is comfortable with these newfangled thinking machines. Why, in my day, we scrutinized fingerprint archives with a magnifying glass! We didn't trust some four eyes scientist to do our detective work for us with this DNA nonsense!

Until next time, punks, stay off the streets and out of trouble, or the Sheriff is Gonna Getcha! And that's a promise!

Times Herald-Record Pt. II: Say it, don't spray it

You may think that upstate NY is a sleepy place, but I think my recent excerpts from the Times Herald-Record prove otherwise! Here's another tale that is sure to amuse.

"Chester — Will you be paying with cash, credit or urine?

Not a question probably ever asked in a ShopRite checkout line, but perhaps this was what one man thought he was being asked last week.

This much is known: A man in the checkout line on the afternoon of Sept. 8 urinated on a cash register. From there, the details scatter in different directions."

What we have here is RASHOMON of the checkout line whiz!

"One person said she heard the man jumped onto the conveyor belt and did his business. The man, reportedly a resident of the Camp La Guardia homeless shelter, was arrested after the incident, said Karen Meleta, a ShopRite spokeswoman.

But Chester village police have no record of such an arrest. Their version goes like this: shortly after 3 p.m. Sept. 8, a call came in for a possible indecent exposure.

When police arrived at ShopRite, all they found was the urine, said Sgt. Pete Graziano. Another call came in about the culprit behind the post office, but when police picked up two Camp La Guardia residents and brought them back to the grocery store, no one could identify either of them as the urinator.

The two men, though, were charged with an unrelated public consumption of alcohol for drinking Budweiser in the street, according to police.

The man with the possibly weak bladder is still at large. Although ShopRite and community members say he was from Camp La Guardia, police have no evidence to prove it one way or the other.

As for the cash register, it was cleaned and disinfected immediately following the "unfortunate issue," Meleta said.

It was not clear why Meleta believed the man was from Camp La Guardia, but she pointed to the incident as part of a greater problem with the 1,000-bed New York City men's shelter that straddles Chester and Blooming Grove.

"I think we need to focus on the real issue," she said. "We are caught in an unfortunate circumstance, but is it about us, really?""

The real issue is, where is Chester's greatest supervillain, The Whizzenator, hiding?!? He must be caught at once and brought to justice!!

Times Herald-Record Pt. I: Rasta Gangstas!

After yesterday's post on the filthy font that was used on an elementary school handout, I spent some time perusing the paper that broke the story, the Times Herald-Record out of Hudson, NY.

It turns out that the porno font isn't the only entertaining event in that part of upstate New York. I am writing you out a prescription for more news from the Herald-Record, stat!!

This story tells about a group of Jamaican gangs that is terrorizing the community of Newburgh. I'm not sure what cracks me up more, the cornucopia of hilarious names in this story, or the abject terror that these gangs inspire in the citizens. I know that's not really funny ha-ha, but what can I say, I'm a bastard.

"Newburgh — The guys with the pit bull puppies in the center block of William Street say they're not afraid of nobody.

But their eyes drop to the sidewalk at the mention of Jamaicans.

"I don't know nothing about no Jamaicans," says one teen with a crisp ball cap and a diamond stud in his ear. He turns and spits on the sidewalk.

"They don't bother us, we don't bother them."

The usual knot of young and not-so-young Jamaican men gathered at the North end of William Street was gone yesterday. Many of them were locked up — eight are either in Orange County Jail on drug charges or in federal custody awaiting deportation after a three-month series of local, state and federal raids. The rest were lying low.

Even so, a mother of two — who calls herself Big Ris — lowered her voice when a black man with tight corn-row braids appeared on the corner, looking her way.

"Wait," she whispered through her teeth. "I think that's one of them now."

City police, who teamed with Immigration and Customs Enforcement in the crackdown on William Street, hope the added weight of deportation will help wipe out the well-organized crews of Jamaican-born dealers who have thrived here for years.

But it's another matter to make a dent in the Jamaicans' local mystique: an almost otherworldly reputation for swift and brutal violence.

"It's become almost like an urban legend or a myth with these guys," said Lt. Santo Centamore. "But then, people know there have been homicides related to these groups. They have a reputation of doing whatever they have to."

Most recently, the murder of 19-year-old Robin Rivera underscored the Jamaican gangs' reputation. Rivera argued with two Jamaican men outside a pharmacy in May. Witnesses say the Jamaican men believed Rivera was selling pot — the Jamaican gangs' product of choice — on a corner that belonged to them."

Whoa, pot is the Jamaicans' drug of choice?!?! Stop the presses, Woodward and Bernstein!!!

Here comes my favorite part. Notice how no matter what the police say, the people in the community basically think every Jamaican gangster is the killer from "Saw".

"In a flash, one of the men stabbed Rivera in the back, at 9:30 in the morning, on a busy street.

Worse was to come: Days after Rivera was released from the hospital, his family reported him missing. He was found shot to death a few blocks from William Street. There have been no arrests.

Soon, the rumors started.

Despite denials from the police, friends of Rivera and William Street residents insisted Rivera's Jamaican killers had sent a grim message with his murder.

"I heard his feet were cut off, he was tied up with barbed wire. I don't know," said Shawn Neil, 18, a neighborhood friend of Rivera's.

Other residents say they heard voodoo markings were carved into Rivera's chest — rumors the police insist are false.

Those rumors echoed the street talk in 2002, when police discovered two Jamaican men bound, gagged and shot to death, execution-style, on Johnston Street.

The men were victims, investigators believe, of a rival Jamaican drug gang, and as in Rivera's murder, there was talk of disfigurement.

On William Street yesterday, Neil said he didn't know if Rivera had been butchered — or if Jamaicans were to blame.

But, he said, he understood the reputation.

"Jamaicans are tight with each other," he said. "And hot-tempered."

He should know. Neil's father is Granville Dehaney — a Jamaican now in federal prison — who claimed to have introduced crack cocaine to Newburgh in the 1980s.

Police say the local Jamaican gangs are far more organized than other local street gangs.

The local Jamaicans have strong ties to New York City, where they get marijuana — a drug whose profit margin these days outstrips cocaine.

Centamore said Jamaicans from New York City are regularly brought to Newburgh and vice versa, which makes it hard for police to track suspects like the Jamaicans wanted in Rivera's murder and the Johnston street double-homicide.

The big city connection also adds to their aura of danger.

"I heard it was the Jamaican mafia (who killed Rivera)," said Nikki Melvin, 21, yesterday on William Street. "Not our Jamaicans, but they called down to the city. "¦ I don't know.""

Unbelievable names start flying here, one after another. Awesome!

"The eight people arrested in the joint investigation with Immigration came from two crews.

Police say one, the Spoilers, was headed by Barrington Rhumble, 39, known on William Street as Chiz, and his lieutenants, Jermaine "Willy Hype" Mais, 24, and Audley "Sufferer" Jackson, 42.

Other local Jamaican crews go by the names Champagne Posse and the Steamfish Crew.

Another crew, arrested this week, is based at the Paradise Restaurant, 64 William St.

That business has been raided five times in the past year. It first became notorious in 1993, when Gerald "Big Dread" Christian shot and killed a man over $15 in an after-hours poker game. Christian was arrested in Jamaica last year.

Yesterday, for the first time in months, the entrance to the Paradise was empty, its doors locked."

Let this be a warning to you: Don't try to sell chronic in Newburgh!! Rastas will cut your balls off and use them to fertilize their natty dreads!

Hallelujah for Tim Murray!!!

Believe it, my brothers and sisters: Things are gonna change!! I'm here to tell you what's up.

A lotta people been asking me, "Rev, what you think about Mr. Deval Patrick?" He cleaned house last night in the Massachusetts Democratic primary, and has a chance to become only the second black governor in USA history. Yeah, I like that idea, and I like the good vibrations D-Pat is giving me so far, especially 'cause he likes windmills, which I give MAJOR amens to, but when queried about the Bay State elections I always reply, "Stop that jibba-jabba and look down-ticket! The future of American politics is right there before your eyes!"

That's right America, I am talking about my new favorite politician, the Democratic candidate for LIEUTENANT Governor, let me get an Amen for my man Tim Murray!!!

A lot of people think that mean nasty Kerry Healey is gonna win this election by getting in her Swift Boat and running down poor Mr. Patrick with her engines set on "negativity". Then Patrick will get destroyed, because he doesn't have a super rich spouse to fund HIS attack ads. Oh lord!! Now, Massachusetts liberals have a bad track record of getting wiped out by negative campaigning from the Republicans. But I know that D-Pizzle has a secret weapon up his figurative sleeeeve-ah!

K Healey will start talking smack on DP and the people will be like "Huh, you don't say, well now," because let's face it, those Yankees are always ready to believe the worst about everyone, it's the Puritan in 'em, Amen Amen!! But then K to the Hizzo will turn around and say, "and as for Tim Murray, blah blah blah, smackity smackity smackity", or whatever slander her wicked mind can conjure up, and people will say, "Now just hold it there a minute! Are you talking smack about Worcester's Tim Murray? The most beloved cherubic municipal executive in Mass? The man wholeheartedly endorsed by the Worcester Telegram & Gazette??! Nuh-UH! We don't PLAY that crap 'round Heah!" Then she will be chased by an angry torch-carrying mob into the deepest tunnels of the Big Dig, where she will be eaten by sharks that swim in through the cracks in the walls. Hallelujah!!!

See, Tim Murray don't come from the suburbs, from the big house and the front lawn and all that! He from the mean streets of Worcester, y'all! That town's so tough, most of America can't even PRONOUNCE it! It's a city so cracked, its greatest cultural export at the moment is Brookers from YouTube! He uses the letter "4" to mean "for", as in "Women 4 Murray" - that's dope! I'm gonna get me a "Murray 4Eva" button aysapp. He's down with all the Mayors in Mass, formed 'em into a big coalish, motivatin' em to turn the people out for his cause! And dontcha just want to squeeze those pudgy cheeks!!!

Tim Murray for America! Can I get a witness from the congregation???

Mommy, why is the H giving a HJ to the J?

From the Times Herald-Record of Hudson, NY:

"Monroe — Some Monroe-Woodbury School District parents received an unexpected refresher course in the ABCs of sex last week.

An inappropriate font inadvertently was used as the cover sheet for a third-grade spelling curriculum at Pine Tree Elementary School in Monroe. The font depicts male and female stick figures contorted into various kinky positions to form the letters of the alphabet.

The spelling packet was handed out to parents of third-graders, not the students, at an open house. School officials noticed the tawdry font after receiving a few calls from concerned parents and immediately sent a letter home to parents apologizing for the mistake on Friday.

Administrators said the teacher who used the font did not do so intentionally or maliciously."

This story has gotten a lot of play on the Web and in the "wacky wire stories" filler space of newspapers, but none of these sources actually carried pictures of the font. But Dr. Don't Know is not gonna settle for some hearsay nonsense. So I dug down deep to the source and hit paydirt. Mad props to the Herald-Record for not only breaking this crucial story, but exposing the obscene handout for all the world to see! Behold, the famous and forbidden X-rated font!

Produce my movie or get the Rundown

Is there anything more entertaining than a crazy story involving Tom Cruise? If there is, Dr. Don't Know don't know about it.

From Radar Online:

"When Viacom kingpin Sumner Redstone cited Tom Cruise's personal conduct as the reason for killing his production deal with Paramount, the 83-year-old mogul's candor rocked Hollywood. But Radar has learned Redstone may have let Cruise off easy, particularly in light of allegations the actor dispatched goons from the Church of Scientology to intimidate Redstone's studio chieftan, Brad Grey.

According to a high-ranking media executive, Paramount Pictures honcho Grey had a highly unpleasant run-in with the Church during his tense negotiations with Cruise over Mission: Impossible 3. Grey, who had recently joined the studio, entered the talks determined to make Cruise accept a smaller share of the gross revenues than he had from the first two installments in the franchise. (For those films, the actor reportedly took home an unheard-of 30 percent of the total revenue.) Leaving the office one night, the diminutive Grey, walking to his car in the Paramount lot, suddenly found himself surrounded by more than a dozen Scientologists, who pressured him to ease up on the actor, according to the source.

Following a terse exchange, the visitors allowed Grey to get into his car and leave, but the message was clear. Though he was unnerved by the incident, sources say, Grey stood his ground. After protracted negotiations, Cruise eventually agreed to a less generous deal.

Tom, you're making me uncomfortable.

Neither Grey nor Paramount responded to repeated queries, but a spokeswoman from the Church of Scientology disputes the report, saying, "The Church has nothing to do with anybody's business affairs." But to many Hollywood veterens, the incident is reminiscent of another recent backlot battle:

In the late nineties, John Travolta furiously lobbied reluctant former Fox studio chief Bill Mechanic to produce Battlefield Earth, the science-fiction stinker based on a story by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. "He had Scientologists all over me," Mechanic told Radar last year. "They come up to you and they know who you are." Despite the religion's reputation for intimidating its enemies, Mechanic, like Grey, was unswayed: "Do you think in any way, shape, or form that weirding me out is going to make me want to make this movie?" he said."

God - sorry, L. Ron - only KNOWS what they did to anyone who dared stand in the way of "My Name Is Earl", aka "The Church of Scientology Variety Hour".

[via WWTDD]

This photo should cripple his re-election effort! Zing!!

Joe Lieberman appropriates a handicapped spot at Fairfield University for his own purposes.




I don't know about you but I am voting for Alan Schlesinger now. You could say I'm doublin' down on his candidacy!!

My Favorite TV Show

Dr. Don't Know here with some lifestyle tips.

When I am looking to make my ride the utmost it can be, so I can cruise into the hospital parking lot with my rims on blast and my 5 terrabyte m-p-thrizee system cranked up to full capacity, shaking the foundations of the medical center with the fly beat of BBD's "Poison", making all the nurses scream with glee, I tune in to the one and only show that can unlock this dope realm of possibility:

Hott Car Tips.

All right, Boots. Start Walkin'!!!

Hallelujah!! Reverend Gonna Change here to tell you a little bit about the po-litical sutation here in America. Believe it!

Everything you need to know about the 2006 Virginia Senate race in one picture:

On the left, former Governor George Allen, son of a famous football coach, a career politician raised in Southern California; 2008 GOP presidential contender; alleged neo-Confederate whose siblings claim he meted out such acts of "tough love" as dragging them up and down stairs by their hair. Allen caused quite a stir last month when he called out a staffer for his opponent who was videotaping one of his campaign events in front of an all-white crowd; he called the young Indian-American "Macaca" and offered a tongue-in-cheek "Welcome to America!". (The staffer, S.R. Siddarth, has been an American citizen since birth.) Say what??? Seen here sporting a lovely pair of $2,000 cowboy boots, despite the fact that cowboys have never been a part of Virginia culture. Sucka!

On the right, we got former Navy Secretary Jim Webb, military man who served in that capacity under Reagan; decorated Vietnam War veteran from a long line of soldiers. Georgetown Law alum who represented veterans pro bono, proud Redstick, author and screenwriter ("Rules of Engagement"). Staunch opponent of the Iraq War and massive underdog who has closed the gap to a handful of percentage points. Seen here wearing his son's old combat boots - said offspring just got a fresh pair, because he's off to active duty, carrying on a long family tradition. The real deal!!

Read more about this race here and here.

Things are gonna change!

The Birth of Booster Shot

Hello there. Southeast Jerome here! I am very excited about this new blog and I've got to get my head on straight to make sure I make the most of this big opportunity.

Dr. Don't Know has asked me to start the site off right. And what better way to usher in a new horizon of blog happiness than with a picture of a big fat baby.



"NORWICH, Conn. (AP) - Oh baby! Marie Michel's fifth child was one for the record books. Michel gave birth to a 14-pound, 13-ounce boy Tuesday at William W. Backus Hospital.

Backus officials said the newborn — Stephon Hendrix Louis-Jean — broke the 18-year record for the biggest baby ever born at the hospital by 1 pound, 13 ounces. He was nearly 23 inches long.

After nine months of carrying Stephon, 36-year-old Michel said she was more tired and happy to have given birth than all the attention her baby was receiving.

"I was miserable," Michel said. "I couldn't sleep at night. My 13-year-old son had to help me get in and out bed."

The baby's size came as no surprise to his mom. Michel's oldest son weighed 9 pounds at birth, her 8-year-old twin sons each weighed 8 1/2 pounds and her youngest son, age 3, was nearly 12 pounds.

Michel's husband, Vijens Louis-Jean, a truck driver, was coming from Florida to see his son.

Less than 24 hours old, the baby was fitting into clothes for a 6-month-old and was too big for newborn diapers.

"I have baby clothes but I don't think they will be able to fit," Michel said. "I think I will have to return them.""

Not mentioned in the article: the behemoth baby was delivered by the skillful hands of Dr. Don't Know, who later proclaimed, "I pronounce this delivery a multidimensional success."

Change arrangements on your face

Welcome to the Booster Shot with me, Dr. Don't Know, full name Dr. I Don't Know, MD.

This is a very special blog for my fellow citizens of Planet Space and the denizens of the Information Suprahighway. I will find amusing items each day for your viewing pleasure, that will give gamma-ray therapy to your brain piece. If you get bored of my polished asteroids, you can click the links I have chosen for your mind expansion.

You will also be treated to special guest appearances from the other members of my posse, such as Southeast Jerome, Sherriff Gonna Getcha, Psychic Bum-Bum, Dolla Bill, Kid Bro Sweets, Reverend Gonna Change, Sir Lend-me-a-hand, and the Angel of Southeast Jerome.

Stay tuned to this frequency...