Crimes and Misdemeanors of Suburban Mass.

Attention lawbreakers, theives and ruffians of all kinds! This is your Sheriff speaking, Sheriff Gonna Getcha! I happen to know that all manner of malcontents and nogoodniks check out this blog every day, and let this serve as a warning to you punks, I've got my eye on you and the gaze of justice never blinks!

Because I'm such a badass, the authorities have chosen me to police the hellish avenues of America's big cities; so for pleasure reading, I like to treat myself to the jollities of suburban "crime-fighting". That's why I love the Boston Herald's Police Blog, which reviews the suburban police logs for the most amusing entries and collects them for everyone's enjoyment.

Let's begin with this criminal mastermind...

"A LITTLE PO’D

This way-cool character in Cambridge urinated beside his car in plain view of the cops and smiled at them in “an arrogant manner,” as reported in the Cambridge Chronicle.

Asked if the vehicle was his, he offered an affirmative — or at least I think so, based on his cool-cat response: “That’s my ride, that’s my car, that’s what I roll in, that’s what I paid for.”

But because the cops allegedly found brass knuckles in that car he rolls in — and, well, because of the whole urinating thing — he had to roll “in a police wagon to be booked at the station.”

Indoor plumbing: Look into it."

Smiled in an arrogant manner while pissing in public?!? In my book, that rates a good left cross with a nightstick - at least!!

No crime is more virulent these days than Identity Theft, but what makes this next item really irritating to me is the fact that the perp brought doughnuts into his wicked web of deceit. For shame, citizen!!

"CHOCOLATE-FROSTED FRAUD

As the Watertown TAB & Press so eloquently put it, it was “time to fake the doughnuts.”

A Waverly Avenue resident became the victim of identity theft when someone reportedly used her personal information, including Social Security and home address, to apply for a job at a Dunkin’ Donuts in Lexington.

Was it this dude’s dream to work at a Dunkin’ Donuts? You see, most criminals who get hold of someone’s personal information use it for fraudulent financial gain — which I suppose you can still achieve going the doughnut route, assuming you are punctual, work hard and have the good fortune of serving Sausage Supreme Omelets to some heavy tippers."

Some of these entries really make you shake your head.

"THEM’S BITIN’ WORDS

When I was but a little lad, I’d occasionally scribble out a little graffiti, but usually in an obscure place with something harmless enough like, “The Grad Man wuz here.” I’m not sure what to make of this one, reported in the Burlington Union:

At 3:14 p.m., the police received a call about graffiti at one side of Panera Bread on Cambridge Street, which read, “Panera eats people.”

This hoodlum must be a tad confused, because I’ve patronized more than one Panera location, and for the record, I have always walked out with my anatomy intact — and my tummy full."

Although I love this blog, he Herald writer who assembles it exhibits a more-than-suspicious tolerance for the lowest breed of mankind, Hippies. Listen to this blather:

"GROOVY PATROL

Shame on anyone who calls the cops to try and stop this kind of activity, reported in the Melrose Free Press:

Caller reports an intoxicated girl at Lynde Street and Walnut Street. Responding officers spoke to the youths, who stated they were just “acting groovy.”

To paraphrase Will Ferrell’s Ron Burgundy character from “Anchorman”: Stay groovy, Melrose."

Who is this "Will Ferrell", some kind of latter-day Timothy Leary prophet of the dope?!? I'll try to overlook this one.

Let's finish up with the truly bizarre:

"REASONS NOT TO CALL THE COPS

Helpful as they are, the police aren’t the answer to every problem. Should you be faced with one of the following dilemmas, you might just be the butt of a few jokes if you reach for the phone to punch in 911.

* From The Wayland Town Crier: “A Woodridge Road caller reported seeing a large cat.”

Congratulations. Unfortunately, our Cat Shrinking Officer is out of town for a training session.

* From The Beacon: “At 1:28 p.m. a Hosmer Street resident found ice cream in his mailbox.”

Dude, this is not a troublesome occasion. Eat up!

* From the Times and Courier: “A woman called to complain about her son never doing anything around the house, always being on the computer.”

Sorry to break it to you, but unless he’s into child porn or something, then using a computer ain’t against the law."

You're so naive, police blog man!! He could be doing that crazy Hacking or running an Al Qaeda web site!! I don't trust anyone who is comfortable with these newfangled thinking machines. Why, in my day, we scrutinized fingerprint archives with a magnifying glass! We didn't trust some four eyes scientist to do our detective work for us with this DNA nonsense!

Until next time, punks, stay off the streets and out of trouble, or the Sheriff is Gonna Getcha! And that's a promise!