Thursday, May 31, 2007


A genius column from Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post.

"When a phrase cannot be found on Google, I call it a Googlenope. Once a Googlenope is discovered and written about, it is no longer a Googlenope.

Every single exact phrase that follows could not be found on the Web before today:


Queen Elizabeth's buttocks.

Varsity pinochle.

Caviar 'n' taters.

. . . much to Paris Hilton's embarrassment . . .

I was helped by the federal government.

I (heart) my zygote.

. . . that nappy-headed ho, Barbara Bush.

Next, boil the toast . . .

If you take off your bra, I'm calling the cops.

Jesus loves you for your money.

Rove should just shut up and look pretty.

I believe dust mites have souls.

This lobster must have been Roman Catholic.

Plush Osama doll.

I'm fixin' to solve me the Shimura-Taniyama conjecture.

The best pork chops in Jerusalem.

Tiffani Suarez.

Antwaan Rothschild.

Rajneesh Roosevelt III.

Billy Bob Nussbaum.

Mohammed Ciccolini.

Moishe Goebbels.

Please accept these underpants as collateral . . .

I owe my life to unprotected sex.

I'm going to be concentrating on my home-wrecking now.

Bad, bad Leroy Moskowitz.

Thor adjusted his mascara.

Richard Cheney in '08.

Nelson Mandela is a doo-doo head.


My grandchildren are so ugly.

The Iraqi Regis Philbin.

Hey, this tastes like aardvark.

Laura Bush's secret tattoo.

I'll take Deaths by Autoerotic Asphyxia for $400, Alex.

Hot cheese sundae.

Cancer, heart disease and zits.

"I'm Stephen Hawking and I'm a Capricorn."

Pizza with Condoleezza.

Dogs playing poker and mah-jongg.

The dainty Hillary Clinton.

Man-boob implants.

Acid klezmer band.

Wearing only a codpiece and a sombrero.

Cancer of the bellybutton.

The yodeling librarian.

George W. Bush's subtlety.

Sonnets by Elmer.

Insufficient cellulite.

Lou Dobbs's hash pipe.

The sensual feel of the speculum.

Sören "Porky" Kierkegaard.

The billionaire manicurist."


Friday, April 06, 2007

And you thought firefighters were better than the rest of us

A man wearing a woman's wig and a string bikini was charged with taking a drunken afternoon romp through a park, officials said.

Steven S. Cole, a 46-year-old volunteer firefighter, told an officer he was on his way to a Dayton bar to perform as a woman in a contest offering a $10,000 prize, the arrest report said.

He pleaded not guilty Thursday to charges of drunken driving, public indecency and disorderly conduct.

Cole was arrested Tuesday after police received a report that an intoxicated man was walking and driving around Heritage Oak Park in Mason.

Police said Cole was wearing a blond wig, pink flip-flops and a red-black-and-white striped bikini with the top filled out by tan water balloons. The National Weather Service said it was around 60 degrees in the Mason area about the time he was arrested.

Cole's blood-alcohol test registered 0.174, more than twice Ohio's legal driving limit of 0.08, the arrest report said.

"He is obviously humiliated and embarrassed by the entire situation," said Cole's lawyer, Charlie Rittgers, who added that he is investigating the circumstances that led to the arrest.

Cole did not return a call seeking comment. He remained free on his own recognizance until trial, set for May 24.

Cole has been a Wayne Township firefighter since 2000. Township officials said he will be placed on administrative leave.

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Keith Richards snorted his father

This is a hilarious story. For good measure, he rips a bunch of today's musical acts.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards said in an interview published on Tuesday that he once snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine.

Richards, 63, whose fondness for drugs has been openly acknowledged for decades, was quoted by British music magazine NME as saying his unusual experiment with paternally enhanced cocaine came after his father's death five years ago.

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated, and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow," Richards said in the interview, which was posted on NME's Web site.

"My dad wouldn't have cared," Richards said, adding, "It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

An NME spokeswoman told Reuters the story was genuine and not a late April Fool's joke. She said the interview would appear on newsstands across Britain starting on Wednesday.

According to the report, Richards' father, Bert, died in 2002 at the age of 84.

The veteran rocker, who underwent emergency head surgery in New Zealand last year after falling off a tree stump, also took a swipe at some of the big musical acts of today.

"Everyone's a load of crap," he said. "They are trying to be somebody else and they ain't being themselves. Libertines, Arctic Monkeys, Bloc Party? Load of crap, load of crap. Posers, rubbish."

Richards said he was proud of his ability to survive despite the excesses of a rock 'n' roll lifestyle.

"I was number one on the 'Who's Likely To Die' list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list.

"Some doctor told me I had six months to live and I went to their funeral."

Richards' publicist in London was not immediately available for comment on the interview.

UPDATE: Richards' manager claims that this story is not true and that Keith's comments were said in jest. I'm going to ignore that denial and persist in my belief that this story is true. La la la la la I can't hear you!!


Thursday, March 29, 2007

Holy crap - Rove raps

This is too surreal for words. Really...I don't know what to say...


Saturday, March 24, 2007

Another reason why the Wii absolutely rules

Even retirees love Wii! Here's an amazing story by intrepid reporter Lisa Baertlein for the Reuters news organization...

"Until two weeks ago, Ruth Ebert never had the slightest interest in the video games favored by her one and only granddaughter.

"I'm 82 years old, so I missed that part of our culture. Soap operas, yes. Video games, no," chirped Ebert, who recently started playing a tennis game on Nintendo Co. Ltd.'s new Wii video game console at the Virginia retirement community she calls home.

"It was funny, because normally I would not be someone who would do that," said Ebert, who picked up the console's motion-sensing Wiimote and challenged the machine to a match.

"I played tennis, if you can call it that, as a high school student. I had such fun doing it," she said.

Ebert swung the Wiimote just like a tennis racquet and said playing the game reminded her of the feeling she had all those years ago.

While she took the early on-court lead, the Wii beat her in the end. Still, it hurt less than her real-world losses: "I didn't mind losing to a video game. It couldn't rub it in."


Japan's Nintendo has been on a mission to expand the $30 billion global video game market far beyond the children and young males who make up its core consumers.

And the company, a former underdog best known for fun, high-quality games based on off-beat characters like plumbers -- think Mario Bros. -- has sent shock waves through game industry with the unexpected and runaway success of the Wii.

That $250 console has been stealing the show from Microsoft Corp.'s Xbox 360 and Sony Corp (NYSE:SNE - news).'s PlayStation 3, higher-powered consoles that are much more expensive than the Wii.

While those rivals focused on cutting-edge graphics and high-tech bells and whistles, Nintendo focused on making game play easier, more intuitive and more appealing to a mass market.

That bet paid off.

The Wii outsold the new Microsoft and Sony consoles in January and February and is generating its own buzz with everyone from nuns to cancer patients to toddlers.

There are Wii parties and Wii bowling contests. Players, who often look quite silly and occasionally injure themselves in fits of overzealous play, upload video of their Wii antics to a variety of technology Web sites like and Google's YouTube.

"I thought it was tremendous," said Ted Campbell, 77.

Last week he played the Wii for the first time at Springfield, Virginia's Greenspring Retirement Community, where Ebert is also a resident.

The community hasn't yet decided where to keep the Wii, although Ebert has volunteered her one-bedroom apartment, with its big-screen TV.


Flora Dierbach, 72, chairs the entertainment committee at a sister facility owned by Erickson Retirement Communities in Chicago and helped arrange a Wii bowling tournament -- the latest Wii craze.

"It's a very social thing and it's good exercise ... and you don't have to throw a 16-pound (7.25-kg) bowling ball to get results," said Dierbach, who added the competition had people who hardly knew each other cheering and hugging in the span of a few hours.

"We just had a ball with it. You think it's your grandkids' game and it's not," she said, noting that Erickson paid for the Wiis in its facilities.

Greenspring resident and long-time bowler Sim Taylor said his grandchildren are also great fans of video games.

"I never could understand it," said Taylor, who at 81 has surprised himself by adding video games to his list of hobbies.

That isn't the case with Millicent, his wife of 55 years.

"She sticks with bridge," Taylor said."


Monday, February 26, 2007

Supportive audiences encourage suckiness

Why are Oscar speeches so freakin' boring, considering the fact that the people who deliver them are in the ENTERTAINMENT business? Shankar Vedantam has the answers.

"Let's say someone stuck a microphone in your face and gave you 45 seconds to say something meaningful to a billion people. Let's say, moreover, that this is the only chance you will ever have to directly address the entire world.

What would you say?

As countless nights at the Oscars have shown, the combination of time pressure and high stakes leaves most people blathering. Oh sure, you can think of wise and witty things to say right now, but that is because we are playing make-believe. When people actually walk on stage to accept an Academy Award, even show-business professionals seem to develop a form of stage fright.

They turn earnest and gooey, and fall back on formulaic lists of thank yous. The Oscar for Most Egregious Offender in this category may go to Jon Landau, co-producer of "Titanic." When he went on stage to accept his award for Best Picture, his thank-you list went on so long that you began to envy the people on the ship that went down.

Here's what Landau said when offered the undivided attention of the planet: He thanked his family and then (let's just do first names) Rae, Josh, Mali, Gig, Simon, Jimmy, John, Lloyd, Charles, Martin, Roger, Charlie, Steve, Kevin, Lance, Roger, Tommy, Les, Tony, Doug, Harry, Randy, Grant, Sharon, Anna, Peter, Bill, Tom -- hold on, we're barely halfway through -- Jim, Tom, Sanford, Vicki, Ted, Mike, Jim, Hilary, Jon, Sherry, Rob, John, Arthur, Wayne, Nancy, Blaise, Greg, John, Allison, Maren and Steve.

He also thanked all the nominees and the people they had already thanked.

What explains the fact that on Oscars night, so many show-business professionals seem to forget the first rule of show business, which is to be interesting?

One series of psychological experiments offers insight into why the stars regularly underperform at the Academy Awards -- and what can be done about it. Contrary to the widely held belief that a supportive audience improves the performance of people under pressure, these experiments show exactly the opposite is true. All those fans, friends and family in the auditorium may make the stars feel good about what they are doing on stage, but it is probably making the show more boring for the rest of us.

Social psychologists Jennifer Butler and Ray Baumeister brought volunteers into a laboratory and asked them to count backward from 1,470 in decrements of 13 -- a rather difficult task. The volunteers were asked to bring a friend along. The volunteers were seated in a room before a one-way mirror. Some were told their friend was on the other side, and others were told a stranger was there.

The psychologists found that when people believed they had a supportive friend on the other side of the mirror, they were considerably slower in counting backward compared with when they believed a stranger was watching.

The psychologists next had volunteers play a video game before a stranger and were told that both they and their audience would get some money if they did well. The volunteers, in other words, had an audience invested in their success. Other volunteers were told they would get money if they did well but that their audience would neither gain nor lose.

The volunteers did worse when they believed the audience was invested in their success, compared with when the audience was not interested.

In the final twist of the experiment, the researchers told the volunteers they had an audience rooting for them to fail. The volunteers could make some money if they did well at the game, but if they did poorly the audience would get the money. Other volunteers were provided with a supportive audience. When the game was challenging, volunteers with a hostile audience did better than volunteers with a supportive one.

Paradoxically, people invariably felt they did better than they had when they had a supportive audience -- even though they did worse -- and felt they had done worse when the audience was hostile -- even though they had done better. The support of a friendly audience made people feel good about themselves, and that feeling tricked them into believing they had actually performed well.

Academy Award winners are human, too. They try to pack the audience with friends and family because they trust their intuitions, which tell them they are doing great when they see those cheering, tear-stained faces.

So here's a suggestion for the Oscars next year. Tell friends and families of the stars to watch the show on TV. Sit that high school gym teacher who used to make life hell for the Best Actor in the front row. Bring in all the ex-husbands and ex-wives, too.

The stars will probably not enjoy the show very much. But it will be far more entertaining for the rest of us.


Wednesday, February 21, 2007

KFed makes Britney act a fool

I just cannot get enough of the exciting tales of Kevin Federline. Just when you think he's finally about to disappear, he counterpunches you in the face. Sure, Britney Spears kicks him to the curb, he's jobless and talentless, and yet he still seems to own her. It turns out her recent bizarre episode - shaving her own head in a Tarzana hair salon - was the direct result of K-Fed's latest diabolical scheme!

""Extra" has confirmed that pop princess Britney Spears checked into rehab late Tuesday morning at the urging of her concerned family and friends.

Britney is seeking help at Malibu’s exclusive treatment facility, Promises, where she is pictured at above.

"Extra" has confirmed that pop princess Britney Spears checked into rehab late Tuesday morning at the urging of her concerned family and friends.

Britney is seeking help at Malibu’s exclusive treatment facility, Promises, where she is pictured at above.

“Extra” recently got an exclusive tour of Promises, where patients share a room during their average 45-day stay.

Promises founder Richard Rogg told us that patients are at a very low point when they seek help.

“You have to hit a mental, spiritual, emotional kind of bottom,” Rogg said. “It’s that place where you are too afraid to go on living and too afraid to die.”

This breaking news comes just days after Britney shaved her head, and on Monday, “Extra” discovered new clues that may explain why Brit gave herself a buzz cut.

According to a stunning new report in OK magazine, Kevin Federline was at the pop star’s Malibu mansion on Friday when she arrived home from rehab, and a blowout between the exes broke out.

“They had a huge argument,” revealed OK’s Rob Shuter. “Kevin threatened Britney that he was going to have people test her hair to find out exactly what she’s been up to. She was so scared. That was what made her have her head shaved.”

Britney ain't 'fraid of no drug test.

We have also learned where Britney fled to Friday night after daring to go bald; she reportedly showed up at L.A.’s chic Mondrian Hotel in an electric blue wig.

Sources revealed that Brit was seen shaving her legs at the pool and crying after she was refused a room.

“She didn't have any credit cards, she didn't have any cash… I don’t even believe she had any I.D.,” dished US Weekly’s Katrina Szish.

Szish added that Brit’s bizarre behavior was noted by the staffers who dished, “she was depressed and confused.”

“The general consensus is we’re seeing Britney have a breakdown before our very eyes,” Szish told us.

After Britney’s sudden downward spiral, her friend JC Chasez expressed his concern from across the Atlantic.

“I feel bad for her,” JC said to MTV U.K. “I’ve known her since she was 12 years old; she’s one of the sweetest people you've ever met."

Chavez also pointed out, “A divorce at age 25 is never going to be easy; the one person she trusted more than anybody in the world is not with her anymore.”

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