Law 'n' Order

Listen up citizens! It's the Sherriff with the latest in law enforcement news!

I have a series of articles collected by the Boston Globe that show the excellence of our nation's law enforcement in action. Every day, these brave men and women in blue fight the forces of evil and crime on the mean streets of America. You'd better heed their commands or you might find yourself corralled with extreme prejudice!

This is the kind of scum that lawmen like me have to deal with on a daily basis:

"EL CERRITO, Calif. --A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors -- naked -- and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.

The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

"You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.

Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.

Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon.

"When you're talking about an awl or an ice pick and you're dealing with somebody who's fresh out of prison, it's a weapon. That's a stabbing instrument," Horgan said.

It was not immediately clear what Sheehan was on parole for. A person answering the phone at the jail Friday night did not know whether Sheehan had a lawyer."

Who needs a lawyer when you have an awl in your butt?

It's not easy being a cop, everywhere you turn there's someone trying to sabotage the community. Take this horror story for instance:

"ALBUQUERQUE --Two police officers have sued Burger King Corp., claiming they were served hamburgers that had been sprinkled with marijuana.

The lawsuit says Mark Landavazo and Henry Gabaldon, officers for the Isleta Pueblo tribal police, were in uniform and riding in a marked patrol car when they bought meals at the drive-through lane Oct. 8 of a Burger King restaurant in Los Lunas, N.M.

The officers ate about half of their burgers before discovering marijuana on the meat, the lawsuit said. They used a field test kit to confirm the substance was pot, then went to a hospital for medical evaluations.

"It gives a whole new meaning to the word 'Whopper,'" the officers' attorney, Sam Bregman, said Monday. "The idea that these hoodlums would put marijuana into a hamburger and therefore attempt to impair law enforcement officers trying to do their jobs is outrageous."

Three Burger King employees were arrested and charged with possession of marijuana and aggravated battery on an officer, a felony. They later were indicted.

The lawsuit, filed Friday in Bernalillo County, alleges personal injury, negligence, battery and violation of fair practices. It seeks unspecified damages along with legal costs.

Officials at Miami-based Burger King declined to comment, citing a company policy against discussing pending litigation."

And sometimes, the greatest threat to an officer's safety is the officer himself...

"LAFAYETTE, Ind. --A Kentucky police officer trying to unload his gun accidentally shot himself while driving on an Indiana highway, police said.

Sullivan McCurdy, 41, an officer with the Radcliff Police Department, was driving south on Interstate 65 near Lafayette Sunday when the weapon discharged, Indiana State Police said. A bullet struck the 10-year police veteran in the right leg, police said.

McCurdy was listed Monday in satisfactory condition at St. Elizabeth Medical Center in Lafayette, said hospital spokesman Matthew Oates."